who goes kayaking in the snow….i’ll tell you, the frosty ass eskimos and snowed in hippies with too much Pep Schnapps, Bailey’s and Hot Chocolate. This combination does wonders for your winter confidence. My body….kept telling me NOOO but my Special Hot Chocolate….kept telling me YES.
So with a tummy full of Santa’s REAL helper I dragged my kayak down to the water. Snowpocolypse 2012 and i’m buzzed off hot chocolate shoving off into Eagle Harbor. The headlines read: FERRY FINDS HUMAN ICE CUBE ADRIFT IN PUGET SOUND…
Not really, I had enough layers to keep Kiera Knightly’s scary ass warm in a Minnesota snow drift…don’t cha know. Once on the water, it was a winter wonderland like I had never experienced. The water, which was usually glass, was replaced with a reflective icy titanium…my kayak being the only thing capable of cutting such a formidable surface. Unfazed, I greeted all my animal friends, the Wood Duck family wasn’t as pleased to see me but they’re assholes so I turned my attention to Señor Seagull, who just mean mugged me and took a shit. The wildlife seemed generally unamused by the light white fluff blanketing their environment…or maybe i’m just on my second pint of High Octane Hot Chocolate.
As I ninja paddled under people’s docks and boats, I realized I really was the only only crazy person out on the water…the harbor was a crap shoot for human life. This is the point in which I put on my fake British accent and begin the self commentary for my next installment of Planet Earth: Small Suburban Arctic Harbors.
“oy, and eer we have da pride of America…da bowld eagle . So majestic dey is…let’s see if we can get a meter or so closer and catch a glimpse o’ these woild birds bumping uglies. I say, whatever is in dis here thermos doesn’t taste like earl gray…it tastes like bloody christmas it does.”
Carrying on….it was a solid episode. Tragedy struck however when my hot chocolate heater ran out and I had to switch over to manual paddle heating…paddling became more than just a means of propulsion but a survival technique. This marked the end of the excursion and I began to paddle my ass back home before I made that human ice cube headline a reality.
Here’s a few more snapshots of the day…big ups to Polar Bears and the frosty bastards up north who do this on the regular without Schnapp assistance….my beanie goes off to you.
I definitely went out the very next day with my snow day partner in crime codename Norma…this of course led to a 4 hour beer sampler at the Harbor Pub where Norma thought that the Bourbon Cask beer was SO good she wanted to put it in her vagina. God dammit Norma…